When Dave Matthews Takes a Prolonged Pause, We’re All Gonna Scream

(This essay was featured in my friend Paul's blog, Stuck In Chicago, on July 12th. I laughed. Enjoy! -steve)

When Dave Matthews Takes a Prolonged Pause, We’re All Gonna Scream

by Evan Colmes

Everyone got that? Is that agreed upon? I don’t want to be the only guy in the standing room only section cheering Dave on when he takes an extremely long moment of silence in the middle of a song. There’s a reason why he doesn’t have those 20 second long pauses in his records, and that’s because he’s counting on us. The fans.

Alexis, Ted, you listening to me? I know we’re still on the highway, but now is a good time to think about what you’re gonna be screaming. “WOOO!” is fine for the first few intervals, but by the second encore, if all you got is a tired old non-word, well then maybe he just won’t go into that eight minute scat solo for us.

I know, I’m freaking out here, too. That would totally ruin our plan to smoke our last blunt during the encore scat breakdown. That means we have to meet him halfway. So Ted, use your deep voice as an advantage. Maybe a deep, hoarse “I LOVE YOU DAVE!” would be funny, or even “I WISH YOU WERE MY DAD!” That’s bound to get everyone else into it, and hopefully the energy will spread like wildfire. Alexis, we’re counting on you to yell out this list of obscure songs we all want to hear, seeing as you are the most attractive. If he gives you eye contact, we’ve got him hooked for at least one classic rock cover. Get in there, and don’t let him go.

Now, I know there have been some nervous thoughts, for instance: what if everyone around us is just there to get drunk and high, and not watch Dave? Maybe they’re all there for the party aspect, which is awesome, don’t get me wrong, but they could totally kill our Dave experience. We could also be in front of some young kids and their dad, who’ll make it his personal job to ruin our DMBuzz. I’ve had nightmares of those parental shoulder taps, or even worse: passive aggressive lines such as “Should you really be shotgunning that joint in front of my kids?” That could potentially threaten our party with Dave, and don’t think I haven’t shivered at the thought.

But we can’t dwell on the negative, guys! As of now, there’s a plan: I’ll score us free weed with the rich pushover kid, Ted is the muscle who can protect us from drunk Bros and rubber bullets, and Alexis is the chick who’ll get dudes to buy us beer and be with us when we ask girls to show their tits, cause it’ll be less stalkery. We’re all in this together, so let’s stick together.

So start drawing up a list of things we can scream when he takes those pauses. I know it’s your guys’ first Dave experience, but let me tell you: if he’s feelin’ it, he’ll take a whole song’s length to get his quiet point across. One time I saw him where he stopped one song because he thought he was gonna sneeze. The whole band just stopped and waited. It would have been hella awkward watching him struggle with his allergies, but we were there to catch his back. Every time he pulled back with an “Ahh…Ahh..” we were already screaming him into his next bug-eyed, passionate guitar jam breakdown when he finally did sneeze. It was an experience, and if we don’t prepare for anything and everything, this whole road trip would have been a waste.