Friday, March 7, 2008
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
LEGENDS #1- Stephen Colbert
Welcome to a brand new segment here at the Wilhelm Comedy Blog; LEGENDS. We'll be highlighting some true pioneers and visionaries of comedy up in this place, and for our first installment, I'd like to honor one Mr. Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central's The Colbert Report.
Everyone has seen these clips. But everyone needs to see them again. This is one of the ballsiest, bravest things I've seen a comedian do. I mean..THE PRESIDENT is RIGHT THERE. Wow.
Thank God I was born in the Era of Colbert.
-sw
Everyone has seen these clips. But everyone needs to see them again. This is one of the ballsiest, bravest things I've seen a comedian do. I mean..THE PRESIDENT is RIGHT THERE. Wow.
Thank God I was born in the Era of Colbert.
-sw
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Bruce Springsteen Is Better Than You
That's right, I said it. Bruce Springsteen - DA BOSS himself - is better than you. All of you. Not only that, but he and the legendary E STREET BAND are better than any other band you can name. This is not something that can be argued. This is proven fact. In fact, the E Streeters are so much better than every other band in existence that they have the ability to physically destroy any band that gets in their way. Any band... that isn't worthy.
These men are poised to kill. Do not make direct eye contact.
But I don't know. I'm sure there are some people - some foolish, foolish people - who will say, "Gee, Bruce Springsteen? He's nowhere near the best rock and roller in the world. What about my favorite band 311?"
Well, you're wrong. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are the best. Questioning this equals death. Their sax-driven heartland rock will invade your brain and destroy your love for any other band much in the same way the Nazis invaded and burned down the small Czechoslovakian town of Lidice. They're just that great.
Oh, but I'm sure you need more proof, you fools. Fine then. To prove that Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are inarguably the best and most powerful rock band ever, I will compare them to some loser band that foolish fools seem to like and show you, based on a number of criteria, why they are better.
Hmm. Who should we start with?
Oh jesus. Linkin Park? Seriously?? This... may be a little to easy.
But no. It must happen. Linkin Park had a number 1 album on the charts last year. They have fans in the millions. They are ripe for the picking. They are the antelope to Bruce Springsteen's fierce lion. (Laugh at that metaphor, and he will come for you.)
Let's do this.
These men are poised to kill. Do not make direct eye contact.But I don't know. I'm sure there are some people - some foolish, foolish people - who will say, "Gee, Bruce Springsteen? He's nowhere near the best rock and roller in the world. What about my favorite band 311?"
Well, you're wrong. Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are the best. Questioning this equals death. Their sax-driven heartland rock will invade your brain and destroy your love for any other band much in the same way the Nazis invaded and burned down the small Czechoslovakian town of Lidice. They're just that great.
Oh, but I'm sure you need more proof, you fools. Fine then. To prove that Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band are inarguably the best and most powerful rock band ever, I will compare them to some loser band that foolish fools seem to like and show you, based on a number of criteria, why they are better.
Hmm. Who should we start with?
Oh jesus. Linkin Park? Seriously?? This... may be a little to easy.
But no. It must happen. Linkin Park had a number 1 album on the charts last year. They have fans in the millions. They are ripe for the picking. They are the antelope to Bruce Springsteen's fierce lion. (Laugh at that metaphor, and he will come for you.)
Let's do this.
BACKGROUNDS:
Bruce Springsteen: Springsteen bought his first guitar at the age of 13; he had wanted to become a rock star since the age of 8, after seeing Elvis Presley perform on The Ed Sullivan Show. At 16 he started performing in several local New Jersey rock bands, inspired by such luminaries as Bob Dylan, Van Morrison, and Gary U.S. Bonds. He formed the E Street Band in the early '70s, who quickly became known for their electrifying nightly stage performances and unique mixture of pre-Beatles rock 'n roll and pre-Motown R 'n B.
Linkin Park: After seeing a Limp Bizkit video for the first time, Chester Bennington and Mike Shinoda - maybe the worst duo in the history of popular music - decided that rap-metal was nowhere near as annoying and shitty as it could be. After bribing some record executives into giving them a contract, they released some of the most boring, cliched, overwrought music you could possibly imagine. Influences include Satan.
Ok, listen, Springsteen is going to win this one. Hands down. There is no point in me continuing on. But I know you fools - you dumb dumb Linkin Park boosters - won't take "SPRINGSTEEN IS GOD" for an answer. So let's move on.
Bruce Springsteen - Born To Run: Considered by many to be one of the finest rock albums ever made - to the point where Greil Marcus compared it to The Iliad - Springsteen delivered his biggest and most beloved work in 1975, combining the romanticism of Orbison, the poetry of Dylan, the production of Spector and the swagger of an early 60's bar-rock band. It was the third album of his career, after a decade of working hard and honing his skills finally paid off. A classic in every regard.
Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory: A derivative piece of shit Korn would be embarrassed to put out. Became the best-selling rock album of the 2000s because bored teenagers needed some angry-sounding music to listen to while playing Mat Hoffman's Pro BMX.
Come on, look that that! After a fully-detailed comparison like that, you still aren't convinced? Ok. Fine.
Bruce Springsteen has written songs for such influential rock artists as Patti Smith, The Pointer Sisters, and Manfred Mann, and has performed with the likes of Neil Young, R.E.M., and the Arcade Fire.
Linkin Park did a shitty mash-up album with Jay-Z, which can only be considered the absolute nadir of Jay-Z's career.
OK. I'm tired of this idiocy. If THAT didn't convince you, then I'm gonna have to bring out the big guns.
Bruce Springsteen:
Wow. What an impressive hunk of man.
Bruce Springsteen: Springsteen bought his first guitar at the age of 13; he had wanted to become a rock star since the age of 8, after seeing Elvis Presley perform on The Ed Sullivan Show. At 16 he started performing in several local New Jersey rock bands, inspired by such luminaries as Bob Dylan, Van Morrison, and Gary U.S. Bonds. He formed the E Street Band in the early '70s, who quickly became known for their electrifying nightly stage performances and unique mixture of pre-Beatles rock 'n roll and pre-Motown R 'n B.
Linkin Park: After seeing a Limp Bizkit video for the first time, Chester Bennington and Mike Shinoda - maybe the worst duo in the history of popular music - decided that rap-metal was nowhere near as annoying and shitty as it could be. After bribing some record executives into giving them a contract, they released some of the most boring, cliched, overwrought music you could possibly imagine. Influences include Satan.
Ok, listen, Springsteen is going to win this one. Hands down. There is no point in me continuing on. But I know you fools - you dumb dumb Linkin Park boosters - won't take "SPRINGSTEEN IS GOD" for an answer. So let's move on.
BREAKTHROUGH ALBUM COMPARISON:
Bruce Springsteen - Born To Run: Considered by many to be one of the finest rock albums ever made - to the point where Greil Marcus compared it to The Iliad - Springsteen delivered his biggest and most beloved work in 1975, combining the romanticism of Orbison, the poetry of Dylan, the production of Spector and the swagger of an early 60's bar-rock band. It was the third album of his career, after a decade of working hard and honing his skills finally paid off. A classic in every regard.
Linkin Park - Hybrid Theory: A derivative piece of shit Korn would be embarrassed to put out. Became the best-selling rock album of the 2000s because bored teenagers needed some angry-sounding music to listen to while playing Mat Hoffman's Pro BMX.
Come on, look that that! After a fully-detailed comparison like that, you still aren't convinced? Ok. Fine.
COLLABORATIONS:
Bruce Springsteen has written songs for such influential rock artists as Patti Smith, The Pointer Sisters, and Manfred Mann, and has performed with the likes of Neil Young, R.E.M., and the Arcade Fire.
Linkin Park did a shitty mash-up album with Jay-Z, which can only be considered the absolute nadir of Jay-Z's career.
OK. I'm tired of this idiocy. If THAT didn't convince you, then I'm gonna have to bring out the big guns.
PHYSICAL ATTRACTIVENESS:
Bruce Springsteen:
Wow. What an impressive hunk of man.Chester Bennington:
Ugh... UGH. That is just... eww.
Come on, ladies, WHO WOULD YOU CHOOSE??
Well, I'm done with this. If you aren't convinced by now, I'm sure Bruce Springsteen is on his way to break into your house and visit with you personally. If his affable New Jersey swagger doesn't win your heart, he'll rip it out of your chest and feed it to Max Weinberg. That's all there is to it.
Yeah, Linkin Park was an easy target. But don't worry; I won't be done proving Bruce Springsteen's greatness until I've compared him to every band that has ever existed, ever, and destroyed them all. Because that is Springsteen's ultimate goal. Domination... of your music tastes.
Until next time.
P.S.: I was close to making an easy joke about the above picture. I didn't. Because really, what needs to be said?
Well, I'm done with this. If you aren't convinced by now, I'm sure Bruce Springsteen is on his way to break into your house and visit with you personally. If his affable New Jersey swagger doesn't win your heart, he'll rip it out of your chest and feed it to Max Weinberg. That's all there is to it.
Yeah, Linkin Park was an easy target. But don't worry; I won't be done proving Bruce Springsteen's greatness until I've compared him to every band that has ever existed, ever, and destroyed them all. Because that is Springsteen's ultimate goal. Domination... of your music tastes.
Until next time.
P.S.: I was close to making an easy joke about the above picture. I didn't. Because really, what needs to be said?Thursday, February 14, 2008
Kresstionable Behavior : Audio Weaponry
hello, wilhelm comedy blogger. I hope you're enjoying the cold (muahahaha)
I felt compelled to comment on an interesting new development in audio technology that i stumbled upon whilst perusing the greatest news site in the world atm imo (at the moment, in my opinion...dummy) digg.com.
http://gizmodo.com/356090/inferno-speaker-blaster-makes-you-vomit
say how do to the Inferno Speaker
basically what this 3 foot pain-in-the-ass does is emit a 125db noise that is so unbearable, it "induces vomiting, chest pain, and vertigo". Several manufacturers have already started cranking out these fucking headache machines, installing them in nuclear facilites in Russia, various shops throughout Europe, and even as a theft deterrence measure on cars and vans.
Frankly, I feel morally obligated to effectively stamp my namesake on this thang and deem it
HIGHLY KRESSTIONABLE
A few months ago, I learned about "mosquito tones", high pitched noises that operate at such a high frequency that they are inaudible to anyone above the age of 30 (at this age hearing has degraded beyond this frequency). Students have begun using them as ringtones to receive calls in class without drawing attention, and in Europe shop owners will play these squealing tones as a way to keep goldbricking kids from loitering in front of their stores.
this interested me to the point that I actually bought one of these ringtones (much to the chegrin of the younger members of my extended family) but it also opened my eyes to the silly and obnoxious hobby of meddling with sound frequencies. Well, if the mosquito tone is a 7 on the obnoxious scale, the Inferno Speaker is easily a 12 (in theory)
Some asshole audiologist, whilst tinkering in his Frankensteinian lab, discovered this horrible technology and marketed it, and now I'm going on record to say that this technology, if it catches on, will turn up the dickometer on security systems.
Imagine, if you will, you live in a peaceful suburb in a two story with kids, a dog, and a power mower. The year is 2018. A prowler breaks into your home, and unbeknownst to him you've installed the latest in home security: The Inferno Speaker 9000.
You hear the sound of glass breaking, you jump up and grab the nearest baseball bat/golf club/obligatory home defense bludgeoning weapon. Your heart racing, you enter the hall.
AND THE OBNOXIOSPEAKER ENGAGES
Suddenly the prowler drops to his knees clutching his chest. The nausea forces him to vomit all over your Persian foyer rug. your dog rolls over and whimpers, vomits, eats his vomit, and repeats. Your wife comes out of the bedroom gripping her ears. she vomits. the kids wake up, screaming "daddy! daddy!" in between heaving chunks of macaroni and cheese on their dora the explorer bedsheets.
now thats kresstionable
I felt compelled to comment on an interesting new development in audio technology that i stumbled upon whilst perusing the greatest news site in the world atm imo (at the moment, in my opinion...dummy) digg.com.
http://gizmodo.com/356090/inferno-speaker-blaster-makes-you-vomit
say how do to the Inferno Speaker
basically what this 3 foot pain-in-the-ass does is emit a 125db noise that is so unbearable, it "induces vomiting, chest pain, and vertigo". Several manufacturers have already started cranking out these fucking headache machines, installing them in nuclear facilites in Russia, various shops throughout Europe, and even as a theft deterrence measure on cars and vans.
Frankly, I feel morally obligated to effectively stamp my namesake on this thang and deem it
HIGHLY KRESSTIONABLE
A few months ago, I learned about "mosquito tones", high pitched noises that operate at such a high frequency that they are inaudible to anyone above the age of 30 (at this age hearing has degraded beyond this frequency). Students have begun using them as ringtones to receive calls in class without drawing attention, and in Europe shop owners will play these squealing tones as a way to keep goldbricking kids from loitering in front of their stores.
this interested me to the point that I actually bought one of these ringtones (much to the chegrin of the younger members of my extended family) but it also opened my eyes to the silly and obnoxious hobby of meddling with sound frequencies. Well, if the mosquito tone is a 7 on the obnoxious scale, the Inferno Speaker is easily a 12 (in theory)
Some asshole audiologist, whilst tinkering in his Frankensteinian lab, discovered this horrible technology and marketed it, and now I'm going on record to say that this technology, if it catches on, will turn up the dickometer on security systems.
Imagine, if you will, you live in a peaceful suburb in a two story with kids, a dog, and a power mower. The year is 2018. A prowler breaks into your home, and unbeknownst to him you've installed the latest in home security: The Inferno Speaker 9000.
You hear the sound of glass breaking, you jump up and grab the nearest baseball bat/golf club/obligatory home defense bludgeoning weapon. Your heart racing, you enter the hall.
AND THE OBNOXIOSPEAKER ENGAGES
Suddenly the prowler drops to his knees clutching his chest. The nausea forces him to vomit all over your Persian foyer rug. your dog rolls over and whimpers, vomits, eats his vomit, and repeats. Your wife comes out of the bedroom gripping her ears. she vomits. the kids wake up, screaming "daddy! daddy!" in between heaving chunks of macaroni and cheese on their dora the explorer bedsheets.
now thats kresstionable
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Shiny New Segment
hey all. Kress here
I sincerely hope that everyone's remaining days of 2007 are pleasantly drifting by. I, for one, will be glad to return to school and resume my life up north, but until then...
Upon some deliberation with the other Wilhelm gents, we made the democratic decision to start adding more content to our blog, so that we may lure more of the faceless masses sifting through the internet to us, much like the bird with the brightest feathers attracts more potential mates. Each of us is churning away on our own exciting and intoxicatingly hilarious segment to be posted on the blog at regular intervals in an attempt to add fuel to the fire of our collective comedic passion...
so open your mouth and close your eyes as i am about to spew forth my own comedic passion fuel, in a segment I like to call:
KRESStionable Behavior
Let's get right into it with everybody's favorite University president Mr. Mike Hogan. I have heard from a reliable source that Mr. Hogan has a parking spot on 24-hour reserve near Beach Hall. Not only that, but this parking space is not to be graced by any other Goodyears but his, as the "24-Hour Parking for President Hogan" sign in front of it flagrantly indicates.
Now, I can imagine the location of this parking space has some strategic value to our beloved prez, allowing him minimal travel time between his automobile and his various circular offices and ultimately minimal travel time between his home and those very same offices. I'm also aware that the duties of a president--moreover the duties of a university president--are many, and as such he is effectively on call for all 24 hours in the day. Should the need for his executive decision on a crucial matter arise at 3:45 in the morning, the last thing he should worry about is finding a spot in front of the building housing the big red button.
While I can recognize how having a designated 24 hour parking space could have some benefits for our collegiate commander in chief, i feel compelled to deem this behavior:
A bit KRESStionable
here's a man who, since his inauguration, has made it a point to get down on the student's level in an attempt to further reinforce the illusion of equality between students and their ivory tower administrative overlords. Call me crazy, but to my knowledge there isnt a person living and breathing on the university campus that has their own designated 24 hour parking spot. Seems to me like our good president hogan is being a jekyll and hyde president. Sure, he'll shake your hand and kiss your proverbial baby, but at the end of the day your ass is scrambling around X lot, trudging through rain and snow, while he's rolling into a sweet parking spot and enjoying prime rib and executive priveledge in a climate controlled circular office. Equality? Maybe that could pass for equality in Nam, mr. president, but here in america it looks like you're having your cake while simultaneously eating it.
How could president Hogan better himself and cease his KRESStionable ways, you ask?
My mindbrain can only think of but two options for our beloved prezzy prezzington.
The first route Hogey could take to restore his old mission of currying the student body's favor would be to 86' his paved private property and schlep like his loyal subjects. I officially challenge president Hogan to relinquish this one presidential perk and get to his office using the same means as the students. make a right turn out of your palatial estate's hillside driveway for a change, park up at W lot and stand shoulder to shoulder with the serfs. Ride a fucking bus, Hoges, and maybe you'll earn a little more respect from your people.
Another option for our boy is a more environmentally friendly one: cut out the gas-guzzling middleman. By my estimate, the distance between the front door of the presidential manor and the hallowed parking space is about a quarter of a mile. assuming president hogan travels to this parking space and back once a day for seven days a week he rakes in 1.75 miles per week, accruing just under 90 miles in a year, roughly the distance i travel, door to door, from my home in Norwalk to school in Storrs. If Hogey Hogey Hippos were to hang up his driving gloves and maybe telecommute, he would save natural resources, university funds, wear and tear on his car, AND a parking space outside of Beach Hall. Again, I may be crazy, but with such insanely economic alternatives to driving to work, Hogan is simply MAD for using such an analog means of getting shit done rather than investing 29.99 on a spongebob webcam and saving everybody, not the least of which being mother fucking earth.
well, i think i've spewed enough knowledge for one post. Thank you for reading the first edition of
KRESStionable Behavior
Next time on KRESStionable Behavior:
Wilhelm's Youtube videos have been seeing a horrific lack of views, so much so that a certain individual very close to Wilhelm has accumulated more views on just one youtube video than 100 times the combined number of views for ALL of our videos.
to add insult to injury, the video in question has to do with some seriously nasty and unfunny-by-comparison shit (no pun intended)
more on that next time...
I sincerely hope that everyone's remaining days of 2007 are pleasantly drifting by. I, for one, will be glad to return to school and resume my life up north, but until then...
Upon some deliberation with the other Wilhelm gents, we made the democratic decision to start adding more content to our blog, so that we may lure more of the faceless masses sifting through the internet to us, much like the bird with the brightest feathers attracts more potential mates. Each of us is churning away on our own exciting and intoxicatingly hilarious segment to be posted on the blog at regular intervals in an attempt to add fuel to the fire of our collective comedic passion...
so open your mouth and close your eyes as i am about to spew forth my own comedic passion fuel, in a segment I like to call:
KRESStionable Behavior
Let's get right into it with everybody's favorite University president Mr. Mike Hogan. I have heard from a reliable source that Mr. Hogan has a parking spot on 24-hour reserve near Beach Hall. Not only that, but this parking space is not to be graced by any other Goodyears but his, as the "24-Hour Parking for President Hogan" sign in front of it flagrantly indicates.
Now, I can imagine the location of this parking space has some strategic value to our beloved prez, allowing him minimal travel time between his automobile and his various circular offices and ultimately minimal travel time between his home and those very same offices. I'm also aware that the duties of a president--moreover the duties of a university president--are many, and as such he is effectively on call for all 24 hours in the day. Should the need for his executive decision on a crucial matter arise at 3:45 in the morning, the last thing he should worry about is finding a spot in front of the building housing the big red button.
While I can recognize how having a designated 24 hour parking space could have some benefits for our collegiate commander in chief, i feel compelled to deem this behavior:
A bit KRESStionable
here's a man who, since his inauguration, has made it a point to get down on the student's level in an attempt to further reinforce the illusion of equality between students and their ivory tower administrative overlords. Call me crazy, but to my knowledge there isnt a person living and breathing on the university campus that has their own designated 24 hour parking spot. Seems to me like our good president hogan is being a jekyll and hyde president. Sure, he'll shake your hand and kiss your proverbial baby, but at the end of the day your ass is scrambling around X lot, trudging through rain and snow, while he's rolling into a sweet parking spot and enjoying prime rib and executive priveledge in a climate controlled circular office. Equality? Maybe that could pass for equality in Nam, mr. president, but here in america it looks like you're having your cake while simultaneously eating it.
How could president Hogan better himself and cease his KRESStionable ways, you ask?
My mindbrain can only think of but two options for our beloved prezzy prezzington.
The first route Hogey could take to restore his old mission of currying the student body's favor would be to 86' his paved private property and schlep like his loyal subjects. I officially challenge president Hogan to relinquish this one presidential perk and get to his office using the same means as the students. make a right turn out of your palatial estate's hillside driveway for a change, park up at W lot and stand shoulder to shoulder with the serfs. Ride a fucking bus, Hoges, and maybe you'll earn a little more respect from your people.
Another option for our boy is a more environmentally friendly one: cut out the gas-guzzling middleman. By my estimate, the distance between the front door of the presidential manor and the hallowed parking space is about a quarter of a mile. assuming president hogan travels to this parking space and back once a day for seven days a week he rakes in 1.75 miles per week, accruing just under 90 miles in a year, roughly the distance i travel, door to door, from my home in Norwalk to school in Storrs. If Hogey Hogey Hippos were to hang up his driving gloves and maybe telecommute, he would save natural resources, university funds, wear and tear on his car, AND a parking space outside of Beach Hall. Again, I may be crazy, but with such insanely economic alternatives to driving to work, Hogan is simply MAD for using such an analog means of getting shit done rather than investing 29.99 on a spongebob webcam and saving everybody, not the least of which being mother fucking earth.
well, i think i've spewed enough knowledge for one post. Thank you for reading the first edition of
KRESStionable Behavior
Next time on KRESStionable Behavior:
Wilhelm's Youtube videos have been seeing a horrific lack of views, so much so that a certain individual very close to Wilhelm has accumulated more views on just one youtube video than 100 times the combined number of views for ALL of our videos.
to add insult to injury, the video in question has to do with some seriously nasty and unfunny-by-comparison shit (no pun intended)
more on that next time...
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Wilhelm LIVE: Part 2 in a 3 Part Series
On Saturday December 1st, 9:05 PM on the Student Union Lobby Stage, Wilhelm performed 10 sketches for a pretty sizable crowd. It was fun, and honestly, it was the quickest 45 minutes of my life.
Reproduced here are the 5th, 6th, and 7th sketches of the night, filmed by Emily Tritsch. Enjoy!
KIDS AND TERRORISM
FREEZE FRAME
GUM
We'll have the last three sketches up within the week. Enjoy your break. Also, you should probably join our Facebook Group if you really like us like us.
We love ewe,
Stephen Winchell
Reproduced here are the 5th, 6th, and 7th sketches of the night, filmed by Emily Tritsch. Enjoy!
KIDS AND TERRORISM
FREEZE FRAME
GUM
We'll have the last three sketches up within the week. Enjoy your break. Also, you should probably join our Facebook Group if you really like us like us.
We love ewe,
Stephen Winchell
Friday, December 14, 2007
Wilhelm LIVE: Part 1 in a 3 Part Series
On Saturday December 1st, 9:05 PM on the Student Union Lobby Stage, Wilhelm performed 10 sketches for a pretty sizable crowd.
Reproduced here is the first 4 sketches, filmed by Emily Tritsch. Enjoy!
DAN GETS FIRED
GAMESHOW CALLING
SIGN STORE
GUESS WHO, SHERLOCK HOLMES
With some luck, we'll be able to get the rest of our set up here. We'll also need an external hard drive.
As always, we love you all. Show the love back! Join our Facebook Group to get up to the minute Wilhelm news and updates.
Take it to the streets,
Stephen Winchell
Reproduced here is the first 4 sketches, filmed by Emily Tritsch. Enjoy!
DAN GETS FIRED
GAMESHOW CALLING
SIGN STORE
GUESS WHO, SHERLOCK HOLMES
With some luck, we'll be able to get the rest of our set up here. We'll also need an external hard drive.
As always, we love you all. Show the love back! Join our Facebook Group to get up to the minute Wilhelm news and updates.
Take it to the streets,
Stephen Winchell
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