Shiny New Segment

hey all. Kress here
I sincerely hope that everyone's remaining days of 2007 are pleasantly drifting by. I, for one, will be glad to return to school and resume my life up north, but until then...
Upon some deliberation with the other Wilhelm gents, we made the democratic decision to start adding more content to our blog, so that we may lure more of the faceless masses sifting through the internet to us, much like the bird with the brightest feathers attracts more potential mates. Each of us is churning away on our own exciting and intoxicatingly hilarious segment to be posted on the blog at regular intervals in an attempt to add fuel to the fire of our collective comedic passion...
so open your mouth and close your eyes as i am about to spew forth my own comedic passion fuel, in a segment I like to call:

KRESStionable Behavior

Let's get right into it with everybody's favorite University president Mr. Mike Hogan. I have heard from a reliable source that Mr. Hogan has a parking spot on 24-hour reserve near Beach Hall. Not only that, but this parking space is not to be graced by any other Goodyears but his, as the "24-Hour Parking for President Hogan" sign in front of it flagrantly indicates.
Now, I can imagine the location of this parking space has some strategic value to our beloved prez, allowing him minimal travel time between his automobile and his various circular offices and ultimately minimal travel time between his home and those very same offices. I'm also aware that the duties of a president--moreover the duties of a university president--are many, and as such he is effectively on call for all 24 hours in the day. Should the need for his executive decision on a crucial matter arise at 3:45 in the morning, the last thing he should worry about is finding a spot in front of the building housing the big red button.
While I can recognize how having a designated 24 hour parking space could have some benefits for our collegiate commander in chief, i feel compelled to deem this behavior:

A bit KRESStionable

here's a man who, since his inauguration, has made it a point to get down on the student's level in an attempt to further reinforce the illusion of equality between students and their ivory tower administrative overlords. Call me crazy, but to my knowledge there isnt a person living and breathing on the university campus that has their own designated 24 hour parking spot. Seems to me like our good president hogan is being a jekyll and hyde president. Sure, he'll shake your hand and kiss your proverbial baby, but at the end of the day your ass is scrambling around X lot, trudging through rain and snow, while he's rolling into a sweet parking spot and enjoying prime rib and executive priveledge in a climate controlled circular office. Equality? Maybe that could pass for equality in Nam, mr. president, but here in america it looks like you're having your cake while simultaneously eating it.

How could president Hogan better himself and cease his KRESStionable ways, you ask?
My mindbrain can only think of but two options for our beloved prezzy prezzington.
The first route Hogey could take to restore his old mission of currying the student body's favor would be to 86' his paved private property and schlep like his loyal subjects. I officially challenge president Hogan to relinquish this one presidential perk and get to his office using the same means as the students. make a right turn out of your palatial estate's hillside driveway for a change, park up at W lot and stand shoulder to shoulder with the serfs. Ride a fucking bus, Hoges, and maybe you'll earn a little more respect from your people.
Another option for our boy is a more environmentally friendly one: cut out the gas-guzzling middleman. By my estimate, the distance between the front door of the presidential manor and the hallowed parking space is about a quarter of a mile. assuming president hogan travels to this parking space and back once a day for seven days a week he rakes in 1.75 miles per week, accruing just under 90 miles in a year, roughly the distance i travel, door to door, from my home in Norwalk to school in Storrs. If Hogey Hogey Hippos were to hang up his driving gloves and maybe telecommute, he would save natural resources, university funds, wear and tear on his car, AND a parking space outside of Beach Hall. Again, I may be crazy, but with such insanely economic alternatives to driving to work, Hogan is simply MAD for using such an analog means of getting shit done rather than investing 29.99 on a spongebob webcam and saving everybody, not the least of which being mother fucking earth.

well, i think i've spewed enough knowledge for one post. Thank you for reading the first edition of

KRESStionable Behavior

Next time on KRESStionable Behavior:
Wilhelm's Youtube videos have been seeing a horrific lack of views, so much so that a certain individual very close to Wilhelm has accumulated more views on just one youtube video than 100 times the combined number of views for ALL of our videos.
to add insult to injury, the video in question has to do with some seriously nasty and unfunny-by-comparison shit (no pun intended)
more on that next time...

Wilhelm LIVE: Part 2 in a 3 Part Series

On Saturday December 1st, 9:05 PM on the Student Union Lobby Stage, Wilhelm performed 10 sketches for a pretty sizable crowd. It was fun, and honestly, it was the quickest 45 minutes of my life.

Reproduced here are the 5th, 6th, and 7th sketches of the night, filmed by Emily Tritsch. Enjoy!

KIDS AND TERRORISM


FREEZE FRAME


GUM


We'll have the last three sketches up within the week. Enjoy your break. Also, you should probably join our Facebook Group if you really like us like us.

We love ewe,
Stephen Winchell

Wilhelm LIVE: Part 1 in a 3 Part Series

On Saturday December 1st, 9:05 PM on the Student Union Lobby Stage, Wilhelm performed 10 sketches for a pretty sizable crowd.

Reproduced here is the first 4 sketches, filmed by Emily Tritsch. Enjoy!

DAN GETS FIRED


GAMESHOW CALLING


SIGN STORE


GUESS WHO, SHERLOCK HOLMES


With some luck, we'll be able to get the rest of our set up here. We'll also need an external hard drive.

As always, we love you all. Show the love back! Join our Facebook Group to get up to the minute Wilhelm news and updates.

Take it to the streets,
Stephen Winchell

Daily Campus Comics - Finals Edition

So the semester is finally over, and if you've been following my updates since September you know that it's been a doozy, especially for the Daily Campus comics page. We've had some laughs, some awkward pauses, and even some tender moments (mostly thanks to EggSalad). But all good things must come to an end.

Some comics are staying in the paper after the break. Some comics are finished and are never comic back, ever. I bet you can't wait to find out which ones are leaving.

Well, let's take a look.


Lucid TV, for all intents and purposes, doesn't seem to be going anywhere. This is a good thing because Lucid TV is wonderful.

Hell, these are repeats from last spring and they're still great.


Brothers Watt will, as far as I know, continue to be the resident "pretty-funny-but-way-too-much-like-Calvin-and-Hobbes" comic in the DC next semester. That's fine, I guess. Every college newspaper needs at least one.

It will also continue to make "kids don't get old technology" jokes, I'm sure. I don't know. Why do people assume all kids born in the past decade or so are space-age technobuffs who sleep in the Silicon Valley with their futuristic doo-hickeys? Has the Brother Watt depicted in the latter comic been sleeping in a cryogenic tube half his life?

Eh. Maybe I'm just getting old.

Pirates and Ninjas will probably still be around next semester and continue to be zany zany zany. I haven't posted this comic much because I don't really care about it. It's kinda that one comic you just automatically gloss over, without even reading it. It might as well be blank space. There's really nothing there.

Wow, playing a 47-year-old woman in a play is pretty embarrassing, huh? Jeez, what an awkward moment. I can say, though, that this comic gives us what could be one of the most frightening punchlines ever delivered. Look at the man standing behind our protagonist in the last panel - lurking in the shadows, his shirt half-unbuttoned, his crotch oddly accentuated, his speech bubble creeping jaggedly down the side of the panel. "I play a 47-year-old man every day."

Thank god there is no fourth panel.


In lighter news, Poor Richard will still be around. It's a cute comic.

I wish I had more to say about it.

Here's an interesting case. In the comment page of our last DC comics update, I was taken to task by a particularly vigilant reader for not going after Phil, accusing me of favoritism since Stephen Winchell, Phil's illustrator, is a member of Wilhelm as we all know. Now, I've always considered Phil out of bounds for these entries since I expected Winchell to make his own little post about it.

But he didn't. And do I like being accused of favoritism? No, no I don't.

So let me put it this way: Phil is a comic for chumps. I could draw a Phil in my sleep. Hell, I could improve it in my sleep. Just watch and learn:

And there you go. Two seconds.

Noted improvements include:
-Full blazing color
-Character development (Phil's blond friend, who desperately seeks Phil's approval; Phil himself, who we can now see is an albino)
-Bodies, dynamic movements, and teeth
-Easy-to-read font
-From the get-go, we know EXACTLY who Phil is
-Funny, observational jokes anyone can relate to

Winchell, consider this a gift. I don't give this kind of valuable criticism to just anybody. Take it into consideration for next semester.

Oh, wait... that's Franklin Pierce, isn't it? Shit. Forgo everything I just said.

Yessir, Effed Up will still be around to charm us with its incredibly busy art. Sage advice here, freshmen: don't daydream while studying. Books will sneak up on you, and murder you. Presumably.

Whatever, it's Effed Up, we all know what to expect.

FTW will probably still be around, and will probably still make no goddamned sense.

You know, in retrospect, FTW is kind of a wannabe Pirates and Ninjas, which in itself is kind of a wannabe Based on a True Story. Kinda like how Sgt. Pepper's was influenced by Pet Sounds, which in itself was influenced by Rubber Soul. Great artists inspire one another.

Speak of the devil...

Based On a True Story is gonna be... oh, ugh, God. Eww. Ahhh... ohhhgggg.

OK, listen, I'm no prude, but I don't want to see the cast of Based On a True Story engaging in any kind of vaguely sexual activity. Ever. I mean, at least from a comic like Freshmen 15 I EXPECT to be thoroughly grossed out by horribly-drawn little people fucking incessantly.

I mean... ok, the joke doesn't even make any sense. Unless you're having sex in the goddamned snow. Seriously, Ms. Dunning, if you had just thought to yourself "Hmm, this joke is kind of stupid, maybe I'll hold back on drawing myself having sex," we could all be spared this... I don't know.

I would gladly see more of this:

Cutesy dumb shit. See? That's fine. And this:

See, this is... oh, God, who am I kidding. I can never look at these little cartoon people the same way again. It's like walking in on your parents having sex.

Ugh.

In other news, Musings of the Girl Next Door will also be around next semester. Also, it's gone a little batshit insane.


Yeah, that's not one, but two comics about ugly Christmas sweater parties. In the same week. To repeat a tired phrase, one would probably be too many.

Karen, I believe in you. I know you'll get back on track next semester. I don't want to believe that you're running out of ideas. I can't accept that.

Well, those are the comics that I know - barring some unforseen circumstances - will be gracing our comics page for at least another glorious semester.

But now, with a heavy heart, it's time for us to say goodbye to the new...

COMICS OF THE MONTH!

This month: Stickcat, Stiw Kit, and Freshmen 15

Yes indeed, ladies and gentlemen. The following three comics are officially kaput. Over. Done with. In the graveyard.

This is going to be rough.
So Stickcat is over with. I'm sure everybody on campus is cheering, eh?

Honestly, though, I would be lying if I said Stickcat was the worst comic in the paper. Hell, it's far from it. It's mediocre, sure. But it's hardly the worst. It's just been stuck at the very top of the comics page for at least two goddamned years, and it's never gone away.

But it's leaving now. Okay? Forever and ever. Hell, even Stickcat himself can't stand the comic anymore. Let's just move on and erase it from our memories forever.

So the writer/artist of Stiw Kit, Scott Daros, commented on our last DC Comics update, expressing some regret that he hadn't been included in any of our previous updates.

Well, Scott, let me set the record straight: I haven't posted Stiw Kit in this blog because I really, really enjoy it. It's remarkably well-drawn, charming, cute but not overly so, and is easily one of the best in the paper. Yeah, I've talked about Lucid TV and Poor Richard and other comics I've enjoyed in the past, but I very much regret not talking about Stiw Kit earlier. It's a fine piece of work and it's a shame that it's only been in the DC for one semester.

So to make it up to you, I'll plug your blog and be done with it.

Just as a bonus, here's one last slice of Stiw Kit loveliness before we get down to... you know, the ugly stuff. Enjoy it, folks, it'll be the last you'll be seeing in a while:


Well... okay. Let's get down to business.

I'm prepared.

Freshmen 15. Yes, it's leaving. But it's not leaving... without our souls.

So here's some standard Freshmen 15 for you, printed about a week ago. Like we expect, characters' heads are perpetually hugging the edge of the panels, as if they're peeking out from under something. We can probably attribute this to the artist's total lack of ability to draw... you know, people.

But for the last week, something unusual began to develop.


That's right. Full body shots.

But that's not that bad, right? I mean, it's not like it's gross or weird or anything. They're just full-body drawings of Freshmen 15's rat-haired protagonist. But... what could this be leading to?

Ohhh... ahhh... eeeeuhhh...

I... well, okay, come on now. It's not that bad. It's just... rat-haired girl's ass. Ughhmmmm.

Well, at least it's the last comic, right?

Err, wait, I guess it's not, there's one more he-

Uerrr. ah. AH.

AHHHH. OH. OHGGAHH.


MERRAHHHHH


GABAHHHHERAHHHH

...Heather Dunning, consider yourself forgiven.


-Sean Rose

BONUS!

Sean Rose's Pick: Best Non-Comic Text Printed in the Daily Campus, Fall '07

Mr. Coffee: A.I. by R.J. Fried and Jared Miller

A friend of mine, R.J. Fried, is a writer out in L.A. I know him through the comedy magazine Nutria, which he created and I wrote for. He and his writing partner/cousin Jared Miller started to make some videos, and this one ended up on Funnyo or Die. Hope you like it.



Check them out at MillerFried.com

JUKEBOX THE GHOST, a break from your troubles!

We've come to that point in the semester where things are starting to get hairy. I myself have three papers due this week, and I know that's just the tip of the iceberg for some of you. Not to mention, finals start Monday, and God knows Christmas is getting closer. And the weather! jeez!

Why not take a break from all of this frizz-frazz? Lord knows every once in a while you need to listen to some catchy, groundbreaking music from a real up and coming band. Why not join Wilhelm Comedy on Thursday night (December 6th) for a performance by JUKEBOX THE GHOST at Hamden CT's The Space? What do you say? A half hour drive, ten bucks, a night of pop/rock/new music (described by many as Ben Folds meets They Might Be Giants meets Soulja Boy Tellem) sounds pretty good to me.



But you know what sounds better? The band. Take a listen on their Myspace page: http://www.jukeboxtheghost.com/


Take a look at these guys, they are, in my humble opinion, the face of change in the music world:



And hey, why don't you check out one of their live performances?



In all seriousness..I am a hard man to please when it comes to music. When I heard this band, it was like they tapped into all the greats and put something together I really haven't heard before. They're from DC, and they won't be up this way very often. I highly recommend a trip to see them.

Jukebox the Ghost: Officially Endorsed by Wilhelm.

...not that that means anything.

With love,
Stephen Winchell
(Who hopes you AT LEAST check out their songs. And who hopes you do go on Thursday. Because Jukebox the Ghost is pretty much the greatest thing out of DC since Slick Willy)

If you WEREN'T at our second live performance EVER...

Here's a taste of what you missed:

*Steve Kress freezing time and causing mayhem...sometimes

*Emily Neumann, honorary girl, telling her three children that their school was blown up by terrorists...then her children cheered in celebration

*Stephen Winchell calling his buddy from a gameshow...just as his buddy's son was coming out

*Rich Piepho creating the perfect logo: the Nike swoosh with googly eyes

*Sean Rose once again donning those 80's Sunglasses, and once again jerking off a dead man

And, of course, the question that comes up is, why WEREN'T you at our second live performance ever? It was a blast and a half, with great shows from our co-bills HuskyImprov and Agents of Improv.

To those of you who did come, thank you very much for the support. We also love you.

And, as an added treat, here's a picture of Kurt Johnson, our logo, getting attacked by a bunch of other Kurt Johnson robots:



With Love!
Stephen Winchell, on behalf of those other guys in Wilhelm